7 reasons to work dust into your diet

1. Dust is a fat buster 

If y’all are trying to slim down after a summer of idle snackin’, dust is the perfect solution. Dust is incredibly low in ye olde calorinos, in fact, according to Swiss scientists, a hearty mouthful of dust contains between 0 and 0.00001 calories and a cheeky nibble of dust, even less. By making dust a staple of your diet, you’ll quickly dust off those pesky pounds.

Maybe Swedish-Canadian fitness expert Dana “Dusty” Hoover said it best in December 1999 when asked about the secret to her svelte figure: “Dust is a must!”.




 2. It eliminates your need for a vacuum cleaner. 

Vacuum cleaners? Blergh. Clunky, heavy, unsightly contraptions that have no business being in anyone’s home. They blare, glare and stare – and they want all the sweet dust for themselves.  If you start suckin’ dust, you yourself supplant those ungodly machines and ingest all the fluffy dust in the nooks and crannies of your domicile. Cleaning will be a pleasure for you, each little tuft of dust a veritable feast that could rival a Babylonian banquet (depending on the dust-quality). In the space where you stored your vacuum cleaner you can now put more fun things, like stacks of photos of various vacuum cleaners of sundry brands and makes that you can taunt and heckle and allow to collect dust that you can then in turn eat.

3. The Dust Fairies will be happy 

Everyone knows that every house comes with a few Dust Fairies. This is a truth which most people hold to be self-evident, a morsel of wisdom that is transferred to babies via breast milk. Nevertheless, ever since after the war (the second one) when dust-munching began to decline, Dust Fairies have become subject to searing neglect. Dust Fairies absolutely love it when you eat dust. It says to them: “I, human, Son Of Adam, bow my head to the floor and suckle from the dusty teat of dustdom”. When you make Dust Fairies happy, you will be happy, because if you please the Dust Fairies by eating dust, they will grant you wonderful wishes. According to ancient Dust Fairy Decrees, you get one wish for every Dust Fairy that dwells in your house. The wishes can only concern dust, with one exception: you can wish for a Tesla.

4. It will save your baby from Degobah The Dust Demon

Degobah The Dust Demon was born, nay spontaneously generated in the evil scrapheap of Gehenna outside of Jerusalem in 33AD, the very second after that Jesus feller drew his last breath. Ever since then, he has roamed the earth looking for babies to eat, not because he is hungry for babies, but because he is thirsty for parent’s tears (he is a very troubled individual). Every baby that has ever died has died because of Degobah The Dust Demon and his wicked ways. How does he find the infants? Through the phone book, he’s old school. He will sit around all day and call as many families as he can, and he will ask: “Dost thou have any babies in thine house” and if you’re not a dust-eater you will inevitably say “yes” if you do. This is why eating dust is so important because if you’re a regular dust-snacker, you will be infused with the Spirit of Dust and so when Degobah calls, you will know to say “Dusty Dee, Dusty Done, of those babies you seek I have none, fiddly diddly dusty doo, go thou away and catch the Covid-Flu”. This will cause Degobah to crack a wistful “they did it, the sumbitches really fucking did it”-smile and hang up the phone.

5. You will earn the nickname Dusty, just like your favourite character from Netflix’ Stranger Things.

We all love Dusty, the brilliant albeit a little kooky pre-teen from Stranger Things. There’s just something lovable about him that most people feel instinctively in their hearts but are unable to really explain. Well, In Dust all things shall be explained, for it was so, that in a lost canonical prequel to Stranger Things that Fat Cat Anti-Dust Netflix execs have tried to suppress, the origin of Dusty’s name is revealed. This prequel explains that before any of the mystical things that occur in Stranger Things, there was something far more awesome going on. Dusty’s original name was Fred. Sometime in 5 BST (Before Stranger Things) Fred happened upon a barn. Being a very scientifically minded, curious tyke, Fred drew nearer to the barn and opened its doors. Therein he found a massive heap of dusty dust. At first, Fred was afraid, but then the Dust spake unto him thus: “I am Dust, I am come from Dust and Dust I shall remain. Whoever eateth of Me shall never again Hunger and shall forever be called Dusty”. So Fred voraciously gobbled up the entire heap of Dust and ran back to his town to give the Good News. There, he was given many accolades and from that day on he was called Dusty. 

6. The Dust Will be pleased 

It is no secret that Dust is sentient but few people know that Dust is in constant, excruciating pain. In fact, Dust constantly screams lamentations that our puny human ears cannot hear. When you consume Dust and it hits your stomach lining it is put out of its misery. As the Dust dissolves in your stomach goo it will call out in a thankful prayer that you will hear in your mind and you will know that you have done something good.




7. The Late Great Dusty Springfield will call you 

If you eat dust, everyone’s favorite singer, Dusty Springfield will call you from beyond the grave and say these uplifting words: “You are the son of the preacherman of which I sang in my hit song, be proud”.

 

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